Don't you send me to vm
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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