I showed him my bush... on skype.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
