I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
