hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
