Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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