OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
