bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
