Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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