Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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