Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
