At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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