Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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