hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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