I think I died a long time ago.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
