Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
