I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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