My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
