It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
