isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
