We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Man, jail baloney is awful.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize