i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
