I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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