I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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