Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
