the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
