I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
