I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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