It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
