So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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