My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
