just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
