i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
