I'm really into asian looking animals
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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