I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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