The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
