Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
