I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
