She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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