After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
