worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
