Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize