When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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