i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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