It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
