I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize