Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
