then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
