one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
