I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize