do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
