I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My bed smells like the plague
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
