i wish my penis had a tongue
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Holy sore nipples Batman
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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