sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
