nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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