Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
