The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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