you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
