if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
