YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
