no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
