So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
